| It's been good, Xanga.
You've been so good to me... you listened to me when I was bored, when I used you to to send secret signals cryptically to girls that I was frustrated with or liked, when I honestly just wanted to share how good God is and how God could do the same for other people, and when I just wanted to log down my thoughts and QTs/revelations... you've been there through it all.
You were even there when I decided I was too good for you... when I ran to other people for love, affection, and attention... like your evil, twin sister that I refuse to talk to nowadays--Facebook--and your half-sister that I can only take in with moderate portions during the weekends--AIM. But even though I left you for so long, you took me back with a smile when I first logged back in. You even remembered my password for me when I forgot! You look different nowadays, but you still love me and listen to me the same way you loved and listened to me talking about my life--the thick AND the thin--when I first met you in December of 2002. Do you remember those days? I do. I love reminiscing about those times. I hated high school, and everything is a gray, ugly fog when I think about those years in my head... but looking back on those entries, I realize it wasn't so bad. You always did keep me objective. Thanks for that.
But I...I'm starting to question where this relationship is going. I've been really empty lately. Honestly. It's been hard running to God when so many things and people are entangled in my mind. And I want to talk to you, I really do... but I know that's not always the best answer... especially when I know that others will read this. You've been so good to me, but.. you know how I love attention... it's just... well, this just...
You're just not the right outlet for me.
You make me look so... good, sometimes. I know it sounds weird. Let me explain: Sometimes my entries in you look so good... holy, righteous, caring, mysterious... but I don't think that's who I really am, Xanga. I'm just another sinner who needs God, just like every single person that reads this. I'm just a scared kid that has a lot of heart breaks and insecurities that I haven't gotten over yet. This facade that I put up sometimes... I need to get rid of it.
I need people to know the real me... and I need THEM to run with me through the thick and the thin... and I just don't think I can do it with you by my side. You've been good to me, and you really are a good person... but maybe that's the problem. I need... real people. None of this one-sidedness. I'm looking for something real, even if it hurts and even if I do fall. I still need to talk about my problems to someone alongside with God sometimes... but I need to do it to people that I'm unsure will take me in... I've got... I've got to take that chance, baby.
You take me in anytime I come back. But I've got to venture into the real world of accountability and fellowship. I've got to become vulnerable if I want others to become vulnerable with me. I've been screwed over many times before I've tried this... and maybe that's when I started turning to you so much more... but I've gotta keep moving with my life. I've gotta keep growing in God and His people.
Thanks for the run. It's really been good, Xanga. I'll miss you.
Love,
James Kang
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| i'm just barley bread... but i know i'm meant for so much more >=(
hahaha, it's from one of my favorite sermons... i'll update ya'll later. holler~
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| i feel like sometimes we do christian things... but miss Christ.
Gideon telling God Himself to WAIT... while he prepares an offering/sacrifice for God.
Rachel trading in her HUSBAND... so that she can have the mandrakes, which would allow her to have a child (Genesis 30:15).
sometimes we miss the point... doing a lot of good and godly stuff, but for what? It's sad, but we search for God by doing all of these THINGS, when it's just our hearts that He wants. We seek to earn acceptance by deeds, when it's already been given 2000 years ago and all He wants is actions that arise from the knowledge that we are His Beloved forever and ever.
i dunno. just some thoughts from this morning.
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| it's always hard to start things off... but once you hit that point of break through, it ain't so bad.and so worth it.
JUST SO HARD TO GET TO THAT POINT.
i think i'm mainly talking about qts and such... but kat brought up stuff like.. running and such. true true. universal truths. mmmm. okay, yeah, so i'm about to start my qt and just can't start. sorry God.
btw, this all happened while we were talking at the basketball court @ afc...........
btw.. she made like 4 out of 800 shots. and i made like 800 out of 300
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